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Zillionaire Jones #2 - Three-Fisted Tales Of Regal Rage
  • Vote Up1Vote Down WhackATrollWhackATroll
    Posts: 3Member, OK'd, Ambassador

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    Once upon a time, an American sailor named Randal Amadeus Jones became King Of Albania.

    Of course, like most fairy tales, there's a lot of fantasy and a grain of truth.  In reality, Jones is a curiously over-happy man who spent years chasing an embellished and poorly-worded rumor, became a folk legend amongst Albanians, and was crowned in a mock ceremony as part of a publicity stunt - by no means does he weild actual power, and none are obligated to follow his decrees. 

    The fantastic part, is that the people of Albania genuinely enjoy having Jones as their ersatz emperor, and besides, when the only things your king demands are coloring books, music CDs and the occasional bowl of "anything edible", what's the harm in playing along?

    For this reason, the man known as "Zillionaire Jones" remains a beloved mainstay of Albanian culture.  Even now, one year after his celebrated coronation, Albania hungers for updates on the wacky misadventures of their mock-monarch.  Preferably something more exciting than "Jones joins local school children in coloring a gross of 'Spongebob Squarepants' coloring books".

    And what a story they have!  Let's watch...

    Tonight, on Tirana Nightly News, we discuss a violent wave of goat mutilations happening to the south.  Are Albion Goathater's kids up to no good again, or are the rumors about chupacabra actually true?  Also, we will give you a list of school lunches for all schools for the next month - hope you kids like goat!  But first, our top story: one year ago today, Mayor Zamir Kreshnik crowned local legend Zillionaire Jones 'King Of Albania'.  Now, the eccentric ruler of all he surveys has decreed that it is time to give back to the people - and what a gift he has chosen to give!  Jones will represent Albania as part of ELITE, the international wrestling franchise that has captivated people around the world for over 4 years, since purchasing the ELW territory in 2007.  Jones has said that he hopes to bring tourism back to Albania through his actions, as well as demonstrating the honor and spirit of all Albanians!  We go now, live, to Enver Besnik, who is standing by with Jones at this very moment!

    Enver Besnik stands next to the one, the only, the could-not-possibly-be-anyone-else Zillionaire Jones.  As always, Jones' bright forever smile forms a shining epicenter to the darkness of his enviable beard.

    Thanks, Ymer!  I'm standing in the presence of His Royal Majesty, King Zillionaire Jones!  Now, 'your highness', could you tell us a little bit about your decision?  Why did you choose ELITE as your vehicle of ambassadorship?

    Jones look almost confused by the question, but it's too late - his mouth has already started talking.

    LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BESNIK... As a former sailor, there's only one vehicle I know, yeah, and THAT VEHICLE IS A SHIP!  So if you need a maritime monarch to sail your ambassador-ship, then look no further!  LOOK NO FURTHER, YEAH! Zillionaire Jones has charted a course to the grandest stage of them all, yeah, the place where all eyes are watching, and all ears are listening jealously because they wish they were eyes!  I'M TALKING ABOUT THE EUROPEAN LEAGUE OF INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION ENTERTAINMENT-T-T-T-T YEAH!!!  Let every man, woman, child, dog and monkey see what a thousand years of speeches cannot summarize, and a thousand pictures cannot illustrate - the true depth and enormity of Albanian honor, yeah!

    That's quite a big job you've chosen, King Jones.  How do you propose to do that?

    Ohhhhhhh, everybody wants to know what's on the mind of Zillionaire Jones, yeah!  But it's not that simple, no!  It's a nasty game of cards, my friend, and you can't read my, can't read my, NO YOU CAN'T READ MY POKER-FACE, YEAH!!!  It doesn't take a dodo to tell you where the sun shines, and nothing shines brighter than honor, yeah!  So when actions shine brighter than words, you will see my actions, yeah, and you will know them to be unquestionably more honorable than those of my opponents!  FOR EXAMPLE... did you ever notice that most wrestlers, they try to pin their opponent for a count of three?

    Well, yes I have, that's how you win a wrestling match, right?

    THAT IS BUT ONE OF MANY WAYS, BESNIK, YEAH!!! Wrestlers also win by disqualification, climbing out of the cage, making their opponent submit or quit the match, burying their opponent in dirt, stuffing them in an electric chair, pulling a briefcase off a high wire, stripping their opponent down to their bra and panties, or getting your boss to ring the screwjob bell, yeah!  BUT NONE OF THOSE ARE THE MOST HONORABLE WAY, YEAH!!!

    Really?  What would you say is the most honorable?

    Well to understand honor, you have to be a King, and Zillionaire Jones is a King - A KING AMONG PRINCES, MY BELOVED ALBANIANS, YEAH!!!  And like every King, I have played  'King Of The Hill', and familiarized myself with the ways of honor, yeah!  You see, Besnik, in King Of The Hill, you keep your kingdom by exiling all pretenders to the throne, yeah, and that means throwing them out of your kingdom, yeah.  Which is why the most honorable path to victory, Besnik, is to win by count-out!

    Count-out?  What is this 'count-out' you speak of?

    I'D BE VERY HAPPY TO EXPLAIN, BESNIK, YEAH!!!  You see, when an opponent is outside of the ring, the referee starts counting, and he doesn't just count to three, oh no.  He doesn't count to five, or six, or even eight... that referee counts all the way to TEN, BABY, YEAH!!!  And so, to hold on to the honor that is my kingdom, I must exile my brutish barbarian opponent to the cold, bleak tundra of the arena floor for an entire ten seconds, yeah!  That's over three times higher than a pinfall, and therefore three times harder, yeah!  BUT THE PEOPLE OF ALBANIA ARE WORTH THAT EXTRA EFFORT, I TELL YOU NOW AND FOREVER YEAH!!! Never let it be said that Zillionaire Jones took the easy way out, no.  Zillionaire Jones is READY to go that extra kilometer, yeah, to walk a mile in a King's golden slippers, overcome all obstacles, and SEND ALL PRETENDERS PACKING, YEAH!!!

    Well, I'm sure all of Albania thanks you for this!

    NO THANKS ARE NECESSARY, YEAH!!! It is an honor and a privilege to give back to the Albanian people, for all the happiness and devotion they have given to me this year, yeah!

    So who will you face first in ELITE?

    A VERY GOOD QUESTION, YEAH!!! But the answer may disappoint you, Besnik, for the first fallen peon in this war of honor is a peon in every sense of the term, yeah!  Where once stood a boy bagging groceries, there is now only Bags - a man so unremarkable that he has made a gimmick out of bagging groceries, yeah!  HIS MOTHER IS SO PROUD OF HIM, YEAH!!!

    Oh, come now, Your Highness, do you not think a Momma joke is kind of a cheap shot?

    I NEVER THINK, BESNIK, THAT'S HOW THE ANEURYSMS GET YOU!!! But if I did, I would think that it's good that his mother is so proud of him, wouldn't you?

    Well, I thought you were being sarcastic...

    I WOULD NOT DISHONOR MYSELF IN SUCH A WAY, NO! I'm going into battle with a man who has his mother's pride, yeah, but Bags wages war on a man possessing the pride of a zillion Albanians!  A ZILLION ALBANIANS, YEAH!!!  And numbers don't lie, Besnik, they may get crunched from time to time, and even fudged a little, but they NEVER lie, yeah!

    Well, earlier this week, Bags released a video in which he said some things about your match with him.

    You knew about that and you still asked me who I was facing?

    Well... uh... I did read something about it in the interview notes and...

    YOU ARE LUCKY WITCHCRAFT IS ALLOWED IN MY KINGDOM, BESNIK!!!

    I... eh... thank you for your... generosity?

    You are ENTIRELY WELCOME to keep doing that voodoo you do so well WITH! MY!! BLESSINGS, BESNIK, YEAH!!!  Well, I did have a peek at the Bags thing on YouTube, yeah, and it made me very happy, yeah.  Bags' appeal at my sperm-donor's salty tears did not upset me one iota - NO!!! I already had a smile on my face, but that video took that smile and stretched it right out, yeah!  I smiled, because that beating of a dead horse with no name reminded me of the one time in my life, the ONE TIME, when I heard 'bad news' that was actually bad, yeah!  And neither I, nor the SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF GLORIOUS ALBANIA, shall take seriously any threat that comes from a rural Canadian simpleton, yeah!  What kind of a person can still say they are "uncertain" about the sad sad fate of Poppa Jones?!  The answer, my beautiful Albanian charges, is a BACKWATER BAGBOY with a BROKEN BAGBOY BRAIN, YEAH!!!

    So, wait a minute, why does being reminded of His Highness' Father make you happy?

    It's clearer than your Satanic clairvoyance, Besnik!!!  You see, it's a part of my autobiography - the one that I paid those kids on the Internet to write for me, yeah - and it's in Size 4 Garamond BLACK AND WHITE that my daddy done died, yeah!  OF COURSE THE BIG J IS DIRT-NAPPING, JUNIOR MINT - IT'S RECORD SO PUBLIC THAT YOUR GRANDMOM JUST SPAM'D IT TO YOU WITH A JESUS POEM AND THREE PICTURES OF KITTENS, YEAH!!!  So if you want to stay two steps ahead of The Zillionaire, you gotta get yourself one of these witches like Besnik here, yeah, because YOU'RE STILL ONE STEP BEHIND ME, PEANUT!!!  And that puts you really, really close to stepping on my royal cape, sonny boy, which just like the spam Granny sent last week told you, is worse than stepping on Superman's cape, because at least Superman doesn't have a regal, majestic beard that is ONLY THERE TO CONCEAL A THIRD FIST, YEAH!!!

    Well, certainly Your Highness, you're confusing your own legend with that of internet sensation Chuck Norris?

    CHUCK NORRIS WEARS ZILLIONAIRE JONES PAJAMAS AND I HAVE THE CAFEPRESS RECEIPT TO PROVE IT, YEAH!!!  So whoever it is you've been getting your dirt on Zillionaire Jones from, you better fire that person, yeah.  I know it's rough letting family members go, especially so close to the holidays, yeah, but your time is RUNNING OUT, and so you better make some TOUGH DESCISIONS, and you MAKE 'EM FAST, because unless you bone up from the Jones up immediately, King Zillionaire is going to exile you from his ring... FROM HIS KINGDOM... for a count of ten, yeah, and you will stare at arena lights that neeeeeeever seemed so far away, faaaaaarther than they've ever been before, and then... It will be YOUR turn to have a reminder, yeah!  A memory is going to surface, and it's going to remind you of your past, and because you are not Zillionaire Jones, it's going to cripple you, yeah!

    Wait... I am sorry, but I am having some difficulty following this train of thought, so if it pleases His Royal Highness, could you explain what you mean by this "memory" Bags will have?

    Oh, yes, Besnik, it's going to be right there, yeah.  THE END AND THE BEGINNING, YEAH!  As the plucky bagboy from Nowhere Canada lays on his back, he's going to remember where he was as a bagboy, and he's going to remember what it was like being at the absolute lowest point of human existence, yeah!  And he's going to remember the training, the prayers, the diets, the months and days and how much pain he has suffered and how many matches he has barely lived through and all the sweat and all the sleepless nights and painful days and YOU KNOW ALL THAT KARATE KID MONTAGE STUFF, BESNIK, I CANNOT MAKE IT ANY CLEARER THAN THAT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?  Bags shall have gone through ALL OF THAT, and yet, within FIFTEEN MINUTES of trespassing into the regal presence of The Albanian Kingdom, he shall ONCE AGAIN BE AT THE VERY FEET OF HIS FELLOW CITIZENS, YEAH!!!

    Well, I've just received word that we have to cut to a commercial, and so it's time to bid farewe-

    NO MORE QUESTIONS!!!!

    Of course, Your Majesty.  Back to you, Ymer!
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  • Vote Up0Vote Down only1legendonly1legend
    Posts: 97Moderator

    Might just be my favorite character ever. 

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